Our brave hero, netrider, has received word of an archaeological find rivaling the discovery of the Sphinx in Egypt! By way of his infamous RSS feed-collecting customized google homepage, Net got wind of a rumor spreading like wildfire across Theria! Though cryptic, what little information we uncovered suggested a boneyard skeleton of massive proportions! Perhaps the most complete skeleton uncovered to date! Evidence also hints at some connection between this new skeleton and a devious figure shrouded in mystery who calls himself only "TheChaz".
With cries of "A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click", we began our expedition to find the elusive boneyard skeleton! It began, as all expeditions do, with careful planning, packing, and preparing for every possible contingency. We realized early on that our street smarts, our knowledge of the land, and our ability to make rapid key decisions were our strongest attributes.
We reviewed the evidence, we studied the maps, and we drank lots of energy drinks; this was no small undertaking. With high spirits and a trunk full of sensitive data collection devices, we set out on our expedition!
An excerpt from Jon_Quixote's personal expedition journal:
Day 1:
We have already lost half our data collection equipment due to the rough terrain and poor driving ability. Net realized he had forgotten our food and water supplies back at the tent. Nevertheless, spirits remain high as we press on.
Day 6:
Woke up to find myself gnawing on my arm. The thirst is maddening. We must hold out!
Day 25:
I'm getting worried about Net. He has been crouched beneath the seat for days now twitching nervously and mumbling to himself something about low bandwidth and memory. We're not going to last much longer without food and water. The TUV is running on fumes. I'm beginning to question this whole expedition.
Day 40:
You know, Net, it's at times like these when I'm trapped in the middle of the desert without any water, the sun endlessly beating down on me, about to die of dehydration and starvation, and not a bottle of sunscreen anywhere to be found that I really wish I had listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
Why, what did she tell you?
I don't know, I didn't listen.
The thirst had driven Net to the brink of insanity. He was having delusions of grandeur. At one point, he was walking around pompously pontificating about the methodologies and ethics of blue collar workers using tools to pound various flat surfaces while simultaneously coping with speech impediments. It was madness, I tell you! In addition to that, he kept telling me we were driving through quicksand when we obviously were not. He even claimed we had driven right off the face of the earth! Silly Net.
Just then, Net temporarily regained his senses and decided to comment on my driving skills. He informed me that I was taking too long and he wanted a turn driving. I politely shouted a reminder at him that we were nearly out of fuel and inquired how he could possibly get us to our destination any quicker. I just
had to ask, didn't I?
With our courage restored, we continued our search for the boneyard skeleton! We traveled far and wide in search of clues, however insignificant, as to its whereabouts.
By land:
By air:
There was no mountain too high, no slope too steep!
There were no extremes we would not endure!
We braved the shards of razor grass at Spikey Hollow without any concern at all for bodily injury or severed limbs!
Finally, we found evidence which pointed us to a set of bones with peculiar carvings on them. Net lit up his torch and bravely led the way!
At long last! Hard evidence that giant creatures once roamed the surface of Theria! But what was the significance of the markings? Who made them? How did they make them? Why did they make them? What were they wearing? What was a typical breakfast in their society? Were they vegetarians? How many fingers and toes did they have?! We were left with more questions than we had answers.
After days of deliberation and careful study, we determined that deciphering the tattoos and carvings on these bones was the key to finding our mysterious skeleton. We made a note of that, and left the deciphering for somebody else to do. Meanwhile, Net felt the urge to celebrate the progress of our expedition.
We scoured the area nearby for further clues as to who left those strange tattoos on the bones.
Having realized that we had absolutely no clue what we were doing, where we were going, or why we were spending hours each day staring at all those glowing rocks, Net went giddy with the excitement of it all.
Having no further clues to aid us in our search for the boneyard skeleton, we took to the streets in search of even the most obscure references being spread by word of mouth. We attempted to bribe the Slum Lord of Lagoland for information:
When that plan failed miserably and we were sent out of Lagoland swimming in paintballs and riding on our rear ends, we turned to some less intimidating characters:
The entire expedition was in jeopardy! Nobody was able to help us and we were completely out of options! Drastic times call for drastic measures!
Finally, out of desperation, Net went undercover. He disguised himself and, referring to his "Newbiespeak for Dummies" handbook, singlehandedly managed to lower my IQ level by 20 points.
With a numb sensation floating around in our brains, we left the island disappointed and unsure of how to proceed from that point. As random luck would have it, we bumped into an old friend of mine who spoke our language and knew exactly what we were looking for! He has some... peculiar tastes in clothing these days but, in spite of that fact, he was most helpful!
At last! With all our clues gathered in hand, we pieced together the location of the elusive boneyard skeleton and followed the markers towards our final destination.
We made it! All our efforts have lead us to this wonderful, magnificent, glorified, ...giant... scary... horrifying! Look at those incisors! Holy!
Oh, relax you big sissy! Just look at what we've accomplished!
We have uncovered the greatest archaeological find of the century! The most complete boneyard skeleton ever seen by an avie! Isn't it great?!
Yes, lovely. Can we go now? There Goes Our Lives is on.
'crickets
And so, another misadventure has come to a close! Our brave hero, Netrider, having nearly died of thirst and starvation countless times during this expedition gorged himself with Fritos and Dr. Pepper once we made it back out to the TUV. As it turns out, he had forgotten about the secret stash he left under the passenger seat. Needless to say, he gained a lot of weight real fast. Come on, Net, lets go get you on that treadmill!
